LUV & HAT

LUV - Objectively, ‘nom’ is a horrible word (well, objectivelyish; it’s French for ‘name’ after all, but go with me on this).

‘Nom’ is the cutesy, picket-fenced reserve of the feyest, namby-pambiest, weakest-chinned internet-based cream puffs imaginable. The sort of person who refers to himself or herself in the third person, and then says the word ‘sadface’.

In person.

“These macaroons are nom, ATorbyn,” they might say to you, in person, across the table from you, while looking you dead in the eye. “Buh-tuh-wuh, eff-why-eye, I am totally squeeing on your epic snood.” 

And when you (understandably) vomit out of sheer intolerance for tweeness and fall to the floor convulsing helplessly, they’ll run around screeching “Please RT! Please RT! IANAD! Hashtag!” but no one around you will do anything because they won’t understand internet language and you’ll die, you’ll die. Sadface.

Yes, ‘nom’ is a terrible business.

On the other hand…

If it wasn’t for ‘nom’ we wouldn’t have omnomnom.com, which features photographs of things badly edited in MS Paint to look like they’re eating other things. Such as this:

Without ‘nom’ we wouldn’t have this funny cat picture:

And a world without ‘nom’ is a world without this Urban Dictionary definition:

Could mean a sexually suggestive action upon either a male or female, one would use the lips and not so much the teeth, avoiding a chomp chomp like action
I.E. Man, she was Nom Noming on me last night pretty good.

I’m not sure that’s a world I’d want to live in anyway. HASHTAG!
- Robyn Wilder

HAT - Hey, you! Yes, you! You’re from the internet, aren’t you? Great! I recognise you! You’ve got a blog, haven’t you? You’re on Twitter, right? You sometimes describe yourself as a ‘social media evangelist’. Hey, that’s really cool - it’s so nice to meet someone with their finger so firmly on the puls…

Sorry? What was that? What was that noise you just made? Just then, that noise you made when you were talking about your dinner? Was it… it sounded like… did you just say ‘nom’? Nom? What’s a nom? Pardon? Oh, it’s internet speak for ‘This is delicious’, is it? If you don’t mind me asking, why didn’t you just say that it’s delicious? Why didn’t you just do that instead of squealing out a pretend word that deliberately makes you sound like a six-year-old girl? Because you’re not a six-year-old girl, are you? You’re in your late twenties and you have a proper job. What do you think your mother would say if she heard you using the word ‘nom’ to describe some food? Do you think she’d be proud? Do you think she’d be proud of you? Of course she fucking wouldn’t. She’d disown you. I want to disown you, and I barely even fucking know you.

What? Now you’re saying ‘Om nom nom’? What the ACTUAL JUDDERING FUCK is that supposed to mean, you appalling fucking infant? Why don’t you just go the whole hog and run around in a romper suit shitting yourself and belching liquefied rusk onto everyone instead? Huh? Why don’t you just spend your days rolling around on your back, gurgling nonsense at yourself and giggling at colours? Why don’t you just crawl back up into your mother’s womb and stay there forever? That’s clearly what you aspire to do, after all, otherwise you wouldn’t have just said ‘Om nom nom’ with a straight face. What a pointless little turd you are. You genuinely make me furious. You’re despicable.

I bet you say ‘LOL’ out loud, too, don’t you? Don’t you? I bet you’ve used the phrase ‘made of win’ before, haven’t you? I bet you enjoy using hashtags. You sicken me. I literally hate everything about you. Get out of my sight.
- Stuart Heritage