TATTOOS


LUV - Here is what tattoos say about a person:

A) I refuse to acknowledge that I will one day be old.
I would only ever admit this on the internet (a part of the world inaccessible to my mother) but ma was right - my tattoos are going to look shit when I’m old. Show me an old person who looks good with tattoos, and I will show you a unicorn. They are similarly easy to come by. However, tattoos are a handy shorthand for recognising a kindred spirit, that person who plans as far as the next big birthday ending in -0 and truly believes they’re going to invent some kind of painless tattoo removal machine before ink fade, skin sag and the need to mush up all food becomes an issue. Tattooed people are optimists.

B) Once, I did something really painful.
There’s no need to labour the point once you’ve had a tattoo - you’re well ‘ard. So what if you cried this morning because you accidentally headbutted the corner of the bathroom cabinet, because some complete previous owner moron put it exactly where all normal people put their heads. And that you are a whiner as soon as you get the merest hint of ache in any body part. And that similarly to the tattoo remover, you vow never to have children until they invent an alternative childbirth machine that involves magic. Doesn’t matter. You’re ‘ard. 

C) I like stuff. A lot.
Enough to get it written on me forever. Not only does this show a total disregard for the human condition - the constant flux of feelings, the inevitable sense of lack of control as circumstances conspire to bring you ever closer and ever further away to your deepest desires and darkest fears, but also: it’s stupid. The best you can hope for is that each tattoo represents a time in your life, and that you look back fondly on that time (that time when you had a total hard on for Chinese characters, for instance). Still, you’ve got to admire the tattooed person’s commitment to Stuff.

And now, I’m off to Camden to get YOUR NEXT tattooed on my face.
- Susi Weaser

HAT - Here are some other things that tattoos say about a person:

A) I have a long boring story about my tattoo
And I will tell it to you in immense detail until you cry. No, don’t get another drink or look away, I’M TALKING TO YOU. Unfailingly this long boring story will begin with:

“When I was in Thailand….”

OR

“I had this boyfriend/friend/dog that died, and…”

OR

“If I believe one thing in life, it’s….”

In fact, I’m almost totally convinced that people only get tattoos so that they can tell you about the circumstances around them getting a tattoo (that is, apart from that guy who, when I asked who’d done his tattoo, simply said “tattooist”).

Hey, oversharing tattoo fans, here’s an idea! Why not cut out the middleman and get a tattoo that says “ASK ME ABOUT MY TATTOO”? Eh? Eh?

B) I’m not picky
In the movie Clueless, Alicia Silverstone’s character defends her virginity by saying “You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet.” Tattoonistas, whereas, will blithely squat in some rank beach hut while a scrawny crackhead with unwashed hands and a manky roll-up clamped between his grey teeth emblazons their dermis with the synographic legend “WESTERN ASS WHORE INFIDEL” using a rusty needle. I’M NOT JUDGING I’M JUST SAYING.

C) I am a beautiful and unique snowflake
No, you are. No one else has had ANGEL tramp-stamped across their lumbar, have they, eh? And no one else has had a crazy Celtic barbed wire thingy wrapped around one of their biceps (“because my mum’s from Liverpool so she must be a bit Irish, stands to reason”), a small cross (that looked really good for a year then became a sort of bluey-grey smudge) imprinted on the inside of their wrist, or a flowery plant growing up their back or across their foot, wings on their shoulder blades (“COS I’M A RIGHT DEVIL LOL”), a small star on their ankle or the tiniest tiny weeny tiny dot on their belly because it’s like, the Earth, but from a long way away? No one else has ever done any of that. You rebel, you.

D) I’m never ever going to change my mind EVER
Your university girlfriend’s full name. That Levellers symbol. That “ironic” swastika. Those things are going to stay with you forever. How are you okay with that? To have something permanently inked on to you must take the sort of rigidity of mind that I can barely contemplate. I mean, I’ve changed my mind about four times since starting writing this. In fact, so flighty are my whims that I am now DEFINITELY GOING TO GET A TATTOO. Because there are actually some beautifully realised ones out there, so I’ll probably get a sort of crest made of a unicorn and my dog Laddie that died, because if I believe one thing in life, it’s—

—Oh. Ugh.
- Robyn Wilder