DUBSTEP


LUV - Dubstep has been gradually WOM-WOM-WOM-WOMWOMWOMMING-ing its way towards the mainstream for the last couple of years, but since Britney’s gone and sprinkled her new single with it, now’s a good time to show it some LUV.


Obviously, we’re not talking about the melody-free nonsense played by intimidating perma-hooded purists. That stuff’s as fun as a ketamine-dusted Pot Noodle. No, we’re talking about the great way dubstep elements have been used in proper pop music recently.


The main characteristic of a good pop/dubstep crossover, as far as I can see, is that at some point things slow down (or, er, speed up) and then you’re suddenly bludgeoned by a bassline which feels like a Terminator is doing a long, venomous, much-needed guff directly onto your eardrum. It is deliciously sinister (and doesn’t smell remotely metallic).


Thanks to dubstep remixes, innumerable artists you wouldn’t otherwise touch with a pooh stick have suddenly become highly listenable. Take the Cookie Monsta (stop laughing) remix of Taio Cruz’s “Dirty Picture”. It thomps along like any bog standard rejiggle until about a minute in. Then, suddenly, it’s all BOWWWWWWW-EEEOOOOOWOOOOWOOOO-WUH-WEEEEE-WOOOOOWOOOOOO. Splendid.


Then there are songs that were already amazing, but which have been WOMM-ed up a bit. “Cruel Intentions” by Simian Mobile Disco is a good example. Already one of my faves of the last five years or so, suddenly someone called Joker (STOP LAUGHING) gets hold of it and it’s all WOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM-WOMWOMWOM-WOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. How lovely.


Plus there are great original numbers, like those of Magnetic Man, Chase & Status, Nero, Flux Pavilion and Skream. Really, you must stop laughing at their names. Dance music people are supposed to be called things like Flux Pavilion. (How you actually dance to this stuff is beyond me, by the way. I think you’re just supposed to stumble about.)


Anyway, if you don’t like it, don’t worry - one of that lot, swollen by success, will pull a Goldie and make an indulgent three hour prog-dubstep opera shortly, and then the whole genre will bugger off .


(If you do like it, this YouTube playlist is rather good.)
- Stuart Waterman


HAT - Being old is shit. Now that I’m 30, I can understand this. Being old fucking sucks. And because dubstep has been instrumental in reminding me of my diminishing time left on Earth, I hate that too.


If you happen to be younger than me and reading this then a) I hate you and b) don’t judge me because this will one day happen to you. At first the signs will come on slowly. You’ll turn on a music channel and there’ll be a nice video. And at the end of the video, there’ll be a caption reading something like ‘CRACK BUNNY: MOO MOO BANG’, and you’ll suddenly realise that you don’t know whether the band or the song is called Moo Moo Bang. This is because you’re getting old, but you won’t realise it at the time.


Then an entirely new type of music will come out, and you won’t be able to fully understand it. This is the stage I’m currently at with dubstep. Apparently dubstep is noted for its “tightly coiled productions with overwhelming bass lines and reverberant drum patterns, clipped samples, and occasional vocals”. So it’s basically grime, right? Or is grime different? I honestly don’t know any more. I think I know what it is, but I’m not sure. Is dubstep any song that has a bit that goes ‘wob wob wob’? I’m so confused.


As I continue to age, this confusion will obviously give way to fear. I’ll try and front it out by saying things like “This isn’t music, this is just noise” and “You can’t even hear the words” and “Is that singer supposed to be a boy or a girl?” but really I’ll just be desperately scared that the world is moving on and leaving me behind.


Fast-forward through a few more short steps - realising that I’m too old for jeans, not being able to use new technology, that sort of thing - and you’ll find me barricaded in my house, refusing to open the front door or answer the phone in the blind fear that everyone else in the world is a confidence trickster determined to scam me out of all my possessions.


And then, because of all my deep suspicion and mistrust of the modern world, I’ll die. I’ll die completely alone. The police will only find me by knocking down my door after neighbours complain about the smell of my body. Nobody will attend my funeral.


And that’s all down to you, dubstep. You bellend.
- Stuart Heritage