LUV & HAT

LUV - Oh come on. What are you, made of stone? How can you not be moved by:

a) A three-year-old girl writing to Sainsbury’s to ask why tiger bread is called tiger bread when it looks more like a giraffe (and then drawing a picture of Beaky, HER IMAGINARY DOG, at the bottom of the letter):

b) Sainsbury’s - big, corporate, trundling capitalist machine Sainsbury’s - then replying with this:

I think renaming tiger bread giraffe bread is a brilliant idea – it looks much more like the blotches on a giraffe than the stripes on a tiger, doesn’t it?

It is called tiger bread because the first baker who made it a looong time ago thought it looked stripey (sic) like a tiger. Maybe they were a bit silly.

Chris King (age 27 & 3/4)

And finally c) Sainsbury’s THEN CHANGING THE NAME OF TIGER BREAD TO GIRAFFE BREAD:

How can you not be moved? It’s adorable. It’s the third most adorable thing I’ve ever heard, after surprised kitten and basically all of Finding Nemo.

How can you not forward the article to all your friends and go to Sainsbury’s to scoop up millions of loaves of giraffe bread and shove them into your maw, dribbling and showing the whites of your eyes and chanting JRARF BRED JRARF BRED JRARF BRED JRARF BRED JRARF BRED?

Because Lily Robinson is right. It does look more like a giraffe than a tiger. Also:

1. It displays great customer service
Recently, Specsavers wrote to me to tell me it had been 500 YEARS since my last check-up, and the last time I went to a restaurant the waiters ignored me for ages, then loudly told me to sit down. And I was already sitting down. Thanks to Lily Robinson, though, these dark days of poor customer service are over. She’ll be sending unsatisfactory dishes back to the kitchen by her fifth birthday, mark my words. Lily Robinson is basically the John Connor of customer power.

2. It wasn’t a completely shit meme
A pointless meme, yes, but it did mean that for five minutes, the entire internet stopped honking on about LOLcats, saying “end of” or shouting “FENTON!” at me. Five whole minutes. Just imagine.

3. I’m not dead inside
Like some people.
- Robyn Wilder

HAT - Oh, fuck you. Fuck you Sainsbury’s, and fuck your fucking WHIMSY. Giraffe Bread? You’re fucking renaming a product Giraffe Bread just because a bloody child decided that you should? You absolute, unstoppable shower of cunts.

If you’re unfamiliar with the Giraffe Bread story then a) please let me swap lives with you because I envy every single cell in your body and b) allow me to explain what’s happened:

A kid recently wrote to Sainsbury’s saying ‘Why is Tiger Bread called Tiger Bread? It looks more like a giraffe’ even though it clearly fucking DOESN’T. Then a Sainsbury’s customer service employee - instead of either throwing the letter in the bin because he’s an adult human being with a proper job, or replying to the child with a letter reading ‘Dear tiny bellend, I am an adult human being with a proper job. Why don’t you stop WASTING MY TIME you OBNOXIOUS ATTENTION-SEEKING DIPSHIT?’ - actually replied to the letter in such an insufferably patronising way that he may as well have replaced every word with ‘Diddums’. And THEN the kid’s fucking dad posted it on Facebook. Like a SMUG DICK. And now Sainsbury’s has renamed all Tiger Bread as Giraffe Bread.

Sainsbury’s let a child - worse still, a child whose parents are obviously the awful sort of arseholes who force you to look at photos of their offspring every five minutes and then get offended when you fail to respond to stories about their normal human development with a sufficient level of awe - to choose the name of a supermarket product. A child. Why? Children are idiots. They wet themselves. They can’t pronounce the word ‘domino’ properly. If children weren’t idiots then they wouldn’t need to spend 12 years in a classroom learning what red things are. But they DO. Because they’re IDIOTS.

The worst part of all of this is that you morons lapped it up. It doesn’t matter how you lapped it up - whether you’re one of those ‘Aww, isn’t that cute’ arseholes or one of those ‘Oh, that’s assherly rally grate implementation of social media, assherly’ arseholes. The point is that you contributed to this mess. And I genuinely, GENUINELY, hate you for it.

Because you know what’s going to happen now, don’t you? A fucking supermarket cute-off, that’s what. Tesco will rename its baked beans ‘Orange Boingies’ because a fat three-year-old with too much time on its hands wrote its head office an adorable letter. And then Sainsbury’s will fight back by calling its laundry detergent ‘Unicorn Dust’. Before you know it, you’ll find yourself pushing a fucking bibblekart around a shoppywop to buy numnums for your tummy-wummy. And then you’ll go home and you won’t understand why you can’t stop crying.

In summary, everyone in the world is a dickhead except for me.
- Stuart Heritage