LUV & HAT

LUV - You know what? I love chocolate as much as the next typical woman, but even I have to admit that sometimes it can be just too damned CHOCOLATEY.

I realise that some of you will disagree. But bear with me. Because the sad truth is you can have too much of a good thing.

For instance, springtime in Paris. Wonderful for a blossom-blown romantic weekend away, but – take it from me – add an extra day and suddenly you’ll start noticing the draughts and dodgy plumbing, and all the fucking French people.

Actually being the Queen? You have all the money in the western world but you still look as though you shop at BHS, and yet another obsequious fucker wants to buy you a yacht for your birthday when you already have a fleet of battleships WITH YOUR NAME ON, and in all honesty you’d rather another corgi NOT THAT ANYONE ACTUALLY ASKED.

Similarly, sometimes the rich brown clagginess of a good (or, let’s face it, bad) bar of chocolate can be a little too rich and claggy. And that’s where white chocolate comes in.

Because white chocolate has all the sweetness, creaminess and consistency of proper chocolate but it sits much more lightly on your gastrointestinal tract. Plus, because it comes without those pesky cocoa-based stimulants and antioxidants, it’s less pretentious than chocolate, which means that white chocolate marketeers won’t bother with promises of sexy indulgence and velvety smoothness. They don’t need to. You know what you want, so there’s no need to patronise you with metaphors like overflowing baths or home invasions by creepy men in ski masks who leave confectionery on your night stand while you’re in the shower.

“Look, we all know why you’re here,” the white chocolate adverts say. “You’ve probably got period pains. We can throw any old rubbish at you – look, here’s a boy in glasses. Look, here are some ROUND white chocolates. ‘Buttons’, we call ‘em. Here’s some white chocolate in the shape of FISH AND CHIPS. It doesn’t make sense but fuck it, you’re just going to slip on a onesie, stick on a bunch of Friends reruns and chomp your way through this sugary vanilla lard, so who gives a shit if it’s in the shape of some fish and chips or a giant Toblerone?”

And, you know what? They’re right. White chocolate doesn’t have ideas above its station. White chocolate won’t promise and not deliver. White chocolate is THE PEOPLE’S CHOCOLATE.

Oh, and for those of you who say that white chocolate isn’t proper chocolate because it’s a by-product of the chocolate making process – what’s wrong with by-products of all of a sudden? Have you never eaten pork scratchings? I mean honestly.
- Robyn Wilder

HAT- Readers, I’m sorry. We’re running a professional operation here. You expect certain standards from us, and we’ve let you down. You see, this is supposed to be Chocolate Week. This is supposed to be when we argue about the merits of different types of chocolate. You know, actual chocolate, like Dairy Milk or Toblerone or Gu.

But no.

Instead you’ve got Robyn Titting Wilder carping on and on and on like some sort of obnoxious dildo about how much she wants to marry white chocolate. AND THAT ISN’T EVEN FUCKING CHOCOLATE. We may as well have announced Breeds Of Dog Week and then made the first post about fishcakes or toasters. We may as well have announced Things That Start With D Week, and then made the first post about artichokes or Teri Hatcher’s bumhole. I’m sorry. This will never happen again.

Because white chocolate isn’t real chocolate, is it? It’s a chocolate derivative. All the cocoa solids have been whipped away. It’s just fat and sugar. All the good things you hear about chocolate - the antioxidants and riboflavin - aren’t even found in white chocolate. They have to deodorise it before they sell it, too, because it has a naturally undesirable taste. You’re not eating chocolate, you hopeless bellend. You may as well just be spraying lard with Lynx Africa and then shovelling fistfuls of that into your fat dribbly mouth instead, you gormless berk.

If you melt down real chocolate, you get a luxuriously silky puddle of molten loveliness. But have you tried to melt down white chocolate? Have you? It looks like someone’s downed a pint of Tipp-Ex, then puked it back up into a bowl and then had a wank into it for a laugh. It’s rubbish.

You can do anything with real chocolate. Eat it, make it into a cake, form it into a Flake bar and pop it jauntily into the top of an ice cream. You can’t do any of that shit with white chocolate, though. You can’t eat it because you don’t want your breath to smell like a leaking gas oven full of bad eggs. You can’t make it into a cake, because it’ll look like a ghost-cake trapped in purgatory forever for being a shit cake made out of crap chocolate by a wanker. And you can’t put a white chocolate flake into an ice cream, because then it’d look as if you’d amputated a witch’s finger or a leper’s penis and plopped that into an ice cream instead. And you’re hardly going to make many friends carrying on with that attitude, are you?

Plus I wore glasses until about the age of 16, so I barely went a day without someone shouting the Milky Bar jingle at me. But that’s not why I hate white chocolate. It’s not. It’s NOT. Oh, get fucked. It’s not. It is a bit. Fuck you.
- Stuart Heritage