December 2011
8 posts
4 tags
FESTIVE ICE RINKS
LUV - Oh, hello! I’m British. You can probably tell because if I detect even a single flake of snow within ten miles of me I phone up everyone I know and scream “SNOW SNOW SNOW” and then pop into Twitter to post “SNOW SNOW SNOW #snow” and finish off with a quick whirl round Facebook liking every status I can see all of which say “SNOW SNOW SNOW”, and...
6 tags
DVD COMMENTARIES
LUV - We’re going to have to face facts. The DVD is dead. All those shelves and shelves of films and TV shows that you’ve carefully curated over the course of 15 years? The whole lot’s worth about £3.50 now. Seriously, you may as well have a living room full of VHS tapes. Or wax cylinders. Or cave paintings. Not even good cave paintings. Shit cave paintings.
Nobody needs DVDs any more. You can...
4 tags
ADVENT CALENDARS
LUV - Let’s face it, most aspects of Christmas get shitter as you get older. Going to see the Christmas lights being turned on? Magical and exciting when you were a kid, right? But now all you can think is how it’s raining, cold and the street is packed by gasping morons who all want to be standing exactly where your feet are, and - actually - which celebrity is turning on the Christmas lights...
4 tags
HASHTAGS
LUV - Gord bless whoever invented Twitter hashtags.
Sure, they’ve become an indicator of unmerited smugness in that some people will append “#win” to tweets about having successfully cooked their own dinner, as if providing for themselves past the age of 18 is actually an achievement worth trumpeting. And yes, whinges about public transport/weather/colds will often come...
November 2011
12 posts
3 tags
PENGUINS
LUV - How unlikely are penguins?
No, let me back up. How unlikely are birds, for a start? How contrary is the idea that birds - quick-eyed, tiny, twittering birds that dart through the air and fill the sky with song - were once the cyclopean earthbound titans that were dinosaurs?
Dinosaurs. You know, all teeth and scales and RAWR. Became birds. Let’s all sit back for a second and ponder the...
3 tags
WASPS
LUV - Are you an animal lover? You are? Well, fuck off then. Your lack of consistency appalls me. “I love all living things,” you’ll ineffectively meep on the rare occasion that anyone can bear to look in the direction of your simpering, sallow, wet-behind-the-ears drizzle-puddle of a face. But you don’t, do you?
You don’t love all living things. Oh, sure, you set up a donkey sanctuary once...
3 tags
JUSTIN BIEBER
LUV - You idiots need to get with the program. You kneejerk idiots, hating Justin Bieber just because he’s young and rich and more successful than you’ll ever be. At least Justin Bieber doesn’t spend every day counting down the seconds until he’s allowed to leave his office and return to his awful little empty fart-smelling bedsit so that he can read crappy websites that contribute nothing to...
3 tags
HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL
LUV - Pep! That’s what High School Musical’s got. Pep and spunk (not that sort, you monster, it’s DISNEY, it’s for CHILDREN) and primary colours! Asinine but memorable tunes! Rosy-cheeked, scrubbed-clean smiling faces! Athletically complex, basketball-based dance routines! And buckets and buckets and buckets of youthful exuberance and relentless, brainless, infectious enthusiasm.
And sometimes...
3 tags
TWILIGHT
LUV - Here’s the thing. Adult life is rubbish. Interminable greyscaled rubbish. It’s all knowing your National Insurance number and not putting a pretend gun to your head then going “BOOSH!” when your colleague starts yet another rambling anecdote about their allotment. It’s realising that you may never get your dream job or actually move out of Basingstoke. Worst of all, adult life is accepting...
3 tags
HORSES
LUV - Horses? Horses? Seriously, horses? We’re doing a LUV & HAT on horses? What kind of monster hates horses? What kind of twisted, cleaver-wielding, Barbour-jacket-wearing, stealing-onto-farms-in-the-dead-of-night, stripping-naked-to-the-waist, eye-slashing, genital-mutilationy, played-by-Harry-Potter-in-that-play barbarian hates horses?
Horses are docile, beautiful and majestic...
3 tags
MASSAGES
LUV - I don’t like people touching me. I don’t like people, and their hands might have been anywhere - down their pants, plunged into jars of e-coli, groping through raw sewage for kicks - the last place I want them is on my skin. But masseurs aren’t people. Masseurs are clean and sleek and compassionate and impersonal and utterly, utterly asexual. They’ll neither judge your naked lumpiness nor...
5 tags
MOVEMBER
LUV - Movember! Grow a ‘tache, raise some cash! Ruin your mush, give cancer the push! Super, smashing, great. But…
Let’s put aside for a second the whole “charity” element of Movember. Because let’s face it, while it was borne out of the noble aim of raising money to punch cancer in its wretched bloody face, and all power to it, Movember has now evolved into...
4 tags
STARBUCKS CHRISTMAS
LUV - Do you know why Coca-Cola’s “the holidays are coming” Christmas campaign never really took off in the UK? Apart from the fact that we don’t call it “the holidays” over here? Or that their weird photo-realistic Polar Express-style animated Santa is a bit, well, rapey? Or that, in the UK at least, the sight of a honking convoy of aggressively branded trucks thundering over the horizon isn’t...
NANOWRIMO
LUV - They say that everyone has a novel in them. You. Me. That man in the KEEP CALM AND HAVE A BEER t-shirt. Jedward. Everyone. And given the rich tapestry of human experience, you’d expect each novel to be a literary snowflake: a unique snapshot of the world; multilayered, vibrant and delightfully awry (or in Jedward’s case, one novel full of lobotomised adrenaline and a second, slightly less...
3 tags
NATIONAL EXPRESS
LUV - You know what life is for? It’s for the living. So sometimes you just have to say no - no to sitting on the same old boring tube with the same old boring people reading the same old boring book (Wow, you’re reading One Day? So am I! So is that guy, and that woman, and everyone else on the carriage! Tell you what, I’ll just save us all a lot of effort and read it out. That...
4 tags
SMOKING
LUV - Hello readers. I love to suck on the butts of fags. If you came to my house, I’d even let you bum one of my fags. I love smoking cigarettes. And not just because I can make vaguely homophobic jokes about it. There’s loads of other reasons too. And here are some of them:
There are over 4000 chemicals in every cigarette sold in this country. A packet of 20 of cigarettes cost...
October 2011
9 posts
GHOSTS
LUV - Ever tried to manhandle a ghost, whether in a violent capacity or a sexual one? Felt pretty embarrassed, didn’t you, when you realised you couldn’t, and you were just left standing there with your fist/genital swinging dumbly in mid-air. Because ghosts exist in the realm of spirits, sonnn! Ghosts be off in a whole ‘nutha dimension, dawg!
You can kill a werewolf with a...
3 tags
VAMPIRES
LUV - Who wouldn’t want to be a vampire? Vegetarians, huggers and anyone who looks a bit washed-out in black, probably, but fuck them. I’m talking about real people. Who wouldn’t want the various bonuses that vampirism and immortality bring?
First there’s the brilliantly over-egged Transylvanian accent. Like Gary Oldman, you can use lines like “lyisten to them - the jildren of the noight. What...
4 tags
WEREWOLVES
LUV - I fucking hate Twilight. It took vampires - strong, dark, mysterious, garlic-averse vampires - and turned them into enormous rufty-haired jessies. And it took schoolgirls - noisy, obnoxious, playing N-Dubz through their phone on the bus schoolgirls - and turned them into dreary nose-whistling emos. But I can take or leave that.
What really gets me is what Twilight did to werewolves.
...
3 tags
HARIBO
LUV - (To the tune of “Here We Go”)
Ha-ri-bo Ha-ri-bo Ha-ri-bo, Ha-ri-bo Ha-ri-bo Ha-ri-BO-OH, Ha-ri-bo Ha-ri-bo Ha-ri-bo, Ha-ri-BO-OH, HA-RI-BO*.
I love Haribo, in all its sugary, gnashy-toothed, cloying mainland European glory. Yes, I know that it’s made of the hooves and anal glands of pigs and cows, and I’m all right with that. That’s part of the fun, surely? I like the fact that we’re...
