October 2011
9 posts
3 tags
LADY GAGA
LUV - I’m no expert on little girls - no matter what anyone says - but if you ask a five year-old what sort of pop star she wants to be, the chances are her answer will contain ideas no more ridiculous than some of those Lady Gaga has already brought to fruition.
“I want to wear a dress made of giblets and a hat made of fish and I want to play a piano in the air and perform inside a...
3 tags
DANNY DYER
LUV - I would not ordinarily entertain watching TV shows called things like “Humberside’s Knifiest Psychopaths”, or “London’s Tastiest Firms”, but my odd fascination with Danny Dyer means I basically have to. Here he comes with his cockney waddle, collar upturned on his garm, muttering about how some naughty murderer once frew a nonce’s nut frew a windah. “And nah,” he intones...
3 tags
STREET PERFORMERS
LUV - Oh, look, I know. As someone who regularly strides through Covent Garden mercilessly batting away the attentions of rollerbooted leafleteers, capering steampunk clowns and tiresome, behatted, faux-Edwardian Italia Conti alumni calling me “my good woman” and trying to magic coins from behind my ear when I’m JUST trying to get to FUCKING BOOTS for some FUCKING LADYGOODS before my FUCKING...
September 2011
10 posts
10 tags
RYAN GOSLING
LUV - I am so heterosexual that I can’t even see the colour pink. So I’m not saying I want Ryan Gosling to envelope me in his tanned, oaky arms in the middle of a rainstorm and whisper that everything’s going to be alright while he strokes my hair. God, shut up. I wouldn’t believe him anyway. No, I would violently wrench my doughy frame from his embrace and, voice...
3 tags
STEPHEN FRY
LUV - Imagine being Stephen Fry. Imagine being him. Imagine sitting up there, plumped on your celestial Ottoman, all velvet and omniscience and gently baroque benevolence, distractedly stroking Alan Davies’ bumhole as you regard humanity and flibble sorrowfully into your flopsywhoops.
And well might you flibble because, I mean, just look at humanity.
We’re awful. We’re animals. We’re...
3 tags
UNIVERSITY
LUV - All right, fine, some aspects of university are unpalatable. Other students, for instance. Particularly girls whose colourful trousers are inevitably from “my gap year in Ecuador” (which you must never ask about unless you like the words “rilly” and “empowering” and ”macrame”), or the fact that any student with beefy sideburns is always a hempy bastard who always starts sentences with...
5 tags
LAKELAND
LUV - Sometimes in this rough, tough, cruel world, with all the aggressive gangsta rap and Nicola Robert’s nightmareish eyebrows and no Friends repeats to cuddle you into your evening any more, you need some comfort. Something that hails from a better time, when men were all made of nicotine and scotch, women all had Christina Hendrick’s mutant planetary tits, and kitchens were...
3 tags
MIXTAPES
LUV - There are two types of people in the world – people who don’t like jazz, and fucknuts.
Fucknuts like jazz. They like it because it’s freeform and experimental and a challenge to the senses. Fucknuts don’t like it when you suggest that, by that measure, they must also enjoy unexpected bouts of violent diarrhoea. But fucknuts do tend to like the sort of interminable 1960s moog symphonies...
3 tags
HOTELS
LUV - When I was a kid, a teacher told me that Noel Coward was given a free room for life at The Savoy, all because he entertained guests during a World War II bombing raid. And so it became my life’s dream to stay in a hotel that would get blown up by a fascistic regime, just so that I could leap to my feet, belt out the first two verses of Do The Locomotion and then see out my days soaking up...
3 tags
SUPERMAN
LUV - I’m not a woman. Admittedly I’ve got the same haircut as Fern Britton and an old man once called me ‘young lady’, but forget that. I’m not a woman. However, if I was a woman, then I’d totally want Superman to be my boyfriend.
Not Batman (because he’s too psychologically damaged). Not the Incredible Hulk (because you’d spend all your life buying him new shirts). Not that bloke out of X-Men...
3 tags
SPIDER-MAN
LUV - Spider-Man is probably the luckiest superhero of all. Just the odds of him becoming Spider-Man at all are about a million to one. The chances of him going to a specific laboratory on a certain day, and then being the only person to be bitten by a spider, and then for that spider to be the only radioactive spider in the world, and then for it to be the good sort of radiation that turns you...
4 tags
THE MOON
LUV - Ah, the moon. The thing about contemplating the moon is it don’t half make you feel all poetical and that…
(Feel free to insert your own magical-funk arty wibbly transitional effect at this point. Maybe you could hold your laptop up near a fan heater and read through the resultant haze, but mind your glistening forehead doesn’t do a sensual drip onto your keyboard and...
5 tags
FANCY BURGERS
LUV - Because I am a very old man, I went to see Pulp Fiction during its original cinema release. This was back when Samuel L Jackson and John Travolta were still alive, of course. And, when Pulp Fiction came out in the UK, there was fear and apprehension across the land that its violence would infect the nation. Would Geordies start stabbing women in the chest with pure adrenaline? worried...
August 2011
11 posts
3 tags
BATMAN
LUV - As we know, poor Batman is forever doomed to try and atone for the grizzly sins of his grandfather, Count Dracula.
So, while gramps flew about piercing human beings as if they were walking Capri-Suns, Batman has evolved beyond such uncivilized appetites. He will eat what we eat (Haribo), drink what we drink (grape soda). And, as he foreswore his forebear’s lust for magic vein...
3 tags
UKULELES
LUV - There are two items on my bucket list that I will never be able to achieve - playing a proper musical instrument to a professional level, and crushing an entire city and all its screaming population underneath my feet while screaming “WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, HUH? WHO’S LAUGHING NOW?” again and again until everyone is dead.
Fortunately, the ukulele is the nearest to either that I will ever...
5 tags
BBC FOUR
LUV - The BBC canteen. Lunchtime. BBC1, BBC2, BBC3, BBC4 and BBC News sit around a table. BBC1: “Yeah, got Norton, Evans, McIntyre, Alagiah and Winkleman holding down the fort tonight. No problems.”
BBC1 yawns, stretches and places its hands behind its head.
BBC2: “Cor, that’s good. I’ve got Top Gear, Shooting Stars and Dragons’ Den. Pretty safe hands...
3 tags
THE WORD 'AWESOME'
LUV - Brace yourselves. In a few paragraphs you’re going to be confronted by an angry screed that may as well be entitled Stuart Waterman Hates The Young. If you were born after he was - so physically any time since the mid-seventies or mentally within the last 250 years - you should probably read his bit as being directly addressed to you.
His problem, you see, is the word ‘awesome’ and how...
4 tags
CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER
LUV - Right, pay attention. Celebrity Big Brother is back! BACK, I tell you. Barely had its tired, weakened bones been laid to rest in the Channel 4 mausoleum last year, before Channel 5 were feverishly digging it up, flicking off the maggots and drawing a massive knob on it. I’m EXCITED.
Clearly I hate myself for this, for I am a learned woman who reads The Guardian and knows how to use a...
3 tags
SHAMPOO
LUV - To shampoo or not to shampoo? That is the question. And the answer is this: fucking shampoo, all right? I mean, what’s the alternative? Letting your hair cake and fester until it smells of dog food and looks like something you might pull out of a surgical waste skip?
As the singer from the Spin Doctors has shown us, this is not a good look.
Plus, it’s only thanks to a miniscule...
6 tags
FOOTBALL
LUV - Make no mistake: without football, at least 40% of the world’s male population would be mute. The “banter” is a verbal shortcut which allows chaps to bypass all that icky huggy-wuggy nonsense women talk about and immediately erect emotional bonds and/or barriers based on what team they support/loathe beyond comprehension. While it’s sad that there exist males who are unable to...
