LUV - It’s hard to trust people who don’t like pasties, isn’t it? It’s hard to look at them, and their tiny mouths and their monocles and their ridiculous cutlery infatuation, with anything other than outright disgust. After all, these people have never walked to the garage at dinnertime and bought enough Ginsters spicy chicken slices to give themselves a weaponised dose of acid reflux....
LUV - I have a lot of love for jeggings. In fact, I love them so much that immediately after I typed that first sentence I went online and BOUGHT SOME JEGGINGS. Because, make no mistake, jeggings are way cool. Yeah, I just said “way cool”; yeah, I’m an adult. Get over it, Grandma - jeggings are so immense that they turn the world of social acceptability on its head. COWABUNGA. But first, in...
LUV - This is the last fucking thing I want to admit. Mums bake things. Nans bake things. Worse still, awful Shoreditchy internet wankers with blue hair, a fondness for overpriced cocktails and an obnoxious ironic infatuation with burlesque like baking. Baking is for that dreadful woman off the telly who lives in a Parisian shoebox and wears vintage dresses and blinks a lot and only...
LUV - So far, The Voice is a pretty terrible show. If you haven’t seen it, here’s what happens: a blandly competent singer clomps up on a stage and warbles, while Jessie J and an anonymous Irish man take turns to pull faces that make them look as if the deformed mutant puppy from The Fly II has sneezed a bucket of pukey shit right across their chins. This continues until everyone dies. The...
LUV - Oh Krispy Kreme. You have ruined all other doughnuts for me. All of them. Sugared doughnuts. Jammy doughnuts. Even those Rolo doughnuts that have a perfect ring of caramel magically inserted in them and come in packs of four that you have to eat all at once, one after the other in quick succession, because you live alone and you never go outside and you’ve managed to convince yourself...