July 2011
8 posts
2 tags
BIRTHDAYS
LUV - I bloody love birthdays, me. I do. I really do. Now some of you more cynical readers of the internet may well be thinking, ‘Oh, he’s just saying that. It’s a contrived opinion. I know how this site works - two people play devil’s advocate and argue about a subject they’ve probably never even thought about before.’ Well, to those people, I say:
FUCK YOU! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?...
6 tags
OPEN AIR CINEMAS
LUV - HELLO, I’m RAY MEARS* and I like the OUTDOORS. Things I like about the outdoors:
1. It’s OUTSIDE 2. There are NO DOORS
Doors fuck me right off. They’re so boring. They’re so bourgeois. Trees - wonderful trees - provide shelter from the storm and bear fruit. But doors? You open them, you close them and that’s it. Boring! I HATE doors. There are no doors in nature! And I am Ray Mears*,...
3 tags
HARRY POTTER
LUV - Hey there, Mr Frowny-Face. I know you’re hurting. Tonight you were giddy at the prospect of dressing up to watch the entire saga on Blu-ray, then seeing the final movie at the cinema. And now? You’ve seen how it all ends, someone pissed in your homemade butterbeer punch and your friends have left you alone in a scratchy black wig. It’s over. But is it? Can Harry Potter really be over while...
3 tags
ANTIQUES ROADSHOW
LUV - OK, sure. Antiques Roadshow used to be a smidgen fusty-dusty. Slightly dessicated and dried-up. Just the teeniest, tiniest bit like an arthritic and deaf scraggy old cat, squatting in the corner of the Sunday night schedule, yowling at the walls, coughing up what looks suspiciously like a Whiskas-flecked Michael Aspel wig into your favourite Converses.
But all that has changed nowadays....
3 tags
APPLE STORES
LUV - Consider PC World. A world where it is perpetually Sunday afternoon. A world, housed in an industrial estate plonked down somewhere between a motorway and an Outback Steakhouse. A carpeted world, staffed by Darrens and populated by dads nodding knowledgeably at boxes of anti-virus software.
The dads are there to buy computers for
a) their young children to play games on b) forwarding...
3 tags
AIRPORTS
LUV - Airports are amazing*. When you’ve been up since ridiculous o’clock and fumbling around in the dark with luggage straps and only forty per cent brain function, finally arriving at the airport is a bleary kind of disorientating wonder.
From the outset you know you’ll end up having to run the eight miles to your departure gate with a bladder full of Frappuccino and your pull-along suitcase...
3 tags
HOTEL BARS
LUV - Women! Put down your pints of bitter shandy, unhitch that stranger’s unwelcome gaze from your bosom area, and follow me out of this pub. For I have found us a new drinking Jerusalem, and it is the hotel bar.
(Men, you can probably stay where you are. Look, the sport’s on the TV)
Women. Women. Hear me. How long have we suffered the various injustices of the public house? How long have...
5 tags
WIMBLEDON
LUV - “HEURGH!” “eep” “HEURGH!” “eep” “HEURGHAIEEEEE!!!” Ohhh, the crowd likes that. Lovely backhand there from the Ukranian. Yes, you can tell she’s pleased with that. Wiping the perspiration from her brow, now, with a towel tossed to her by a trim young lad. Tosses it back to him. She’s missed a spot, there, just above her modest but hardworking cleavage. There it is, glistening...
