June 2011
11 posts
3 tags
JASON STATHAM
LUV - Britain doesn’t have too much to be proud of, cinematically speaking. On one hand we have a massive stockpile of unwatchable tosh - usually period pieces or smug little rom-coms - about upper-class ninnies who won’t stop mimsying around all the time. On the other hand, there are all the millions of films about dour, glue-sniffing northern children who dress in rags. These are also...
3 tags
LOST
LUV - The final episode of Lost was simulcast live in the UK, allowing British viewers to crawl out of bed at 5am just to see everything unfold at the same time as the rest of the world. And, if they were like me, they watched it in their pants and spent the last 30 minutes openly weeping at how sad it was.
You know what didn’t simulcast its final episode live in this country? Fucking...
4 tags
EAMONN HOLMES
LUV - To the tune of Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the glen. Eamonn Holmes, Eamonn Holmes, sitting on the couch, Eamonn Holmes, Eamonn Holmes, his tummy’s like a pouch, For cake and chips and stews, He works for Sky News, Eamonn Holmes, Eamonn Holmes, Eamonn Holmes. Eamonn Holmes, Eamonn Holmes, scourge of the nuts, Eamonn Holmes, Eamonn Holmes, Anthea Turner’s guts, He could...
4 tags
MUSIC FESTIVALS
LUV - Ah, music festivals. The ever-present burn of woodsmoke in the back of your throat. The sudden social acceptance of concepts like glowsticks and the henna tattoo. Tents, generally. The various traumas of the portaloo. I’ve been to all sorts of music festivals - city-sized pseudo-pagan corporate ones, foreign indie ones, halfhearted urban ones, illegal ones on a shitty hill near Slough - I...
3 tags
SPIDERS
LUV - If you ever wanted the perfect snapshot of why humanity is all buggered up, take a look at a teddy bear.
Yes, it’s cute. Yes, you’ve had it since you were a child. Yes, you still sleep with it sometimes. But LOOK. It’s a FUCKING BEAR. A bear. A giant, angry, eight-foot monster that lives in the woods, hates everything and, if it wanted to, could smash your head off with one swipe of its...
4 tags
100TH POST: ANNIVERSARIES
LUV - Hooray! This is the 100th LUV & HAT post! The 100th EVER LUV & HAT post! Hands up who didn’t think we’d ever get this far. Hands up who thought that our one solitary premise would have buckled and snapped under the weight of its own stupidity by now. Anyone? Just me? Well IN YOUR FACE, ME.
In fact, this is time for a double celebration. First because LUV & HAT has reached an...
3 tags
MARKS & SPENCER
LUV - Whatchoo brought to the picnic? Ugh, plum tomatoes? Little mini-egg-shaped capsules of fleshy water? Get to fuck, you tight-arsed piece of-
Oohwha’? They’re voluptuous Marks & Spencer Santini plum tomatoes, harvested on a sun-dappled farm in Kent where no animals ever die, with the name of the farmer on the actual packet so you can Google him and send him a nice little...
3 tags
BLACK CABS
LUV - Here is a basic human fact: going to places is really fucking dreadful. It doesn’t matter which form of transport you use to take you there. It’s unavoidably dreadful.
You can’t take a plane, because that involves standing in a line of idiots, taking your shoes and belt off and showing everyone your laptop and then spending several hours in a cold sweat because you’re convinced that...
4 tags
PIXAR
LUV - For too long, family entertainment movies have climbed the long, slow, depressing Bell Curve of Irony. Time was you’d know what to expect from a family movie - a wholesome romp through solid family values (and, generally, woodland), mild peril, some heartstring-twangery, and a lovely song. Dumbo. Bambi. The Lion King. They all follow this formula.
But then everything got a bit whizzbang,...
3 tags
THOR
LUV - Does anyone know where I can get some mugs cheap? Only I saw the film Thor recently, and now I finish all my coffees JUST LIKE MIGHTY THOR:
My flatmate’s started doing it, too*. It’s got to the point where we can’t walk barefoot indoors anymore.
Also, ever since I saw the film Thor, I’ve stopped dressing appropriately for the weather. JUST LIKE MIGHTY THOR:
Mighty Thor fies on...
3 tags
MANBAGS
LUV - When did ‘manbag’ become such a derogatory term? Why shouldn’t men be able to have bags? Bags are inherently practical items, and men are inherently practical people. The two things slot together perfectly. Wearing one just means that we can keep both of our hands free, thus allowing us to fight, chop down trees, hunt for food, shoot two guns at once, bottle a nonce in a car park or catch...
