May 2011
12 posts
3 tags
DRIVING
LUV - Driving is amazing, isn’t it? Navigating a ton of beautifully crafted metal to anywhere in the world, maybe with the top down, the wind blowing through your hair, a beautiful woman (or man) in the passenger’s seat. Whizzing down the highway at 70, 100, maybe even 300 miles per hour… You’re in charge of your own destiny, you can go anywhere you like and do anything...
5 tags
CINEMAS
LUV - Cinemas! Dark theatres of the imagination! Sensory deprivation caves for thrilling mind-pictures! You know what I like best about cinemas? The bigness. The way that, if someone walks across a room on an IMAX screen, the audience has to run from one end of the auditorium to the other just to watch them. The way that Katie Holmes - who it seems never wears a bra on a chilly day - has nipples...
3 tags
WORKING FROM HOME
LUV - Statistically speaking, many of you will be reading this in an office. A nasty, noisy, strip-lit office full of mouthbreathers and oversharers and whiners and farters, all desperate to encroach on your personal space as much as they possibly can. Horrible, isn’t it?
Or maybe you don’t work. Maybe you’re still at home. And this is it. This is the highlight of your day. Reading...
3 tags
EMMERDALE
LUV - Obviously because I live in London I am a soulless automaton. Obviously, if I’m in a habitat that isn’t 97% concrete, I’ll fall frothing to the ground. Getting the Tube has rendered me entirely unable to make eye contact with others, plus the last thing I said to another living human was “venti half-caff skinny vanilla latte to go” and I didn’t even feel like a dick while saying it. This...
3 tags
SHAKIRA
LUV - Dear Every Woman Who Has Ever Lived,
Look, I’m sorry. I never thought it’d come to this. I know we had our fun - with me either going out with you, or being friends with you, or being related to you, or (and I’m aware that statistically this is the most likely) never having actually met you because you had died long before I was even born - but it’s over....
3 tags
FACIALS
LUV - Look, I don’t know a lot about skin. I’m not a botanist. But I do know that while my skin generally looks like the surface of a cup of milky tea that’s been left to stand for slightly too long, there are days when it looks as though I’ve ordered too much pepperoni. Then deep-fried the pepperoni with some old cheese and thrown the whole greasy mess onto the face of someone with bad skin.
...
3 tags
SOUP
LUV - Friends, it is lunchtime. You have a choice. You don’t want to go for a sandwich again. You don’t want a salad either, because you’re still not stupid enough to pay four pounds for a container of leaves. Sushi isn’t nourishing enough, pies are for farmers and you’re visibly about four decades too old for a Happy Meal. So what’s left? Friends, you are forgetting something incredible. You...
4 tags
EUROVISION 2011 SPECIAL
LUV - Family legend has it that, on 6 April 1974, I shut my bawling infant mouth for the first waking moment since my birth nine months before. I was rendered utterly silent, to the extent that my mother had to stub her fag out and check I hadn’t crawled into the gas fire. The reason? Our recently-purchased colour television, where a group of beardy Swedes (and a blonde bird) were jigging about...
5 tags
EUROVISION 2011 SPECIAL: JEDWARD
LUV - Jedward! Chaos! Conceit! Coxcombs! Cloning! What’s not to love? I mean, just look at their little faces. I shall be voting for Jedward this Saturday. Here is a list of whys, in no particular order: 1. I’m part Irish. But this isn’t about me (it is. Everything is. EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME). 2. The way they finish every line with “…WAH!” 3. Identical...
6 tags
EUROVISON 2011 SPECIAL: BLUE
LUV - Woooo! So? Are you psyched? Are you? Are you psyched for Saturday? I am. Are you going to be dressed as Lithuania, making a tit of yourself in your living room? I am. Are you going to be shouting at your television, like I am?
And what are we all going to be shouting at our televisions?
BLUE BLUE WE’LL BE SHOUTING BLUE OF COURSE WE’LL BE SHOUTING BLUE.
I mean, what are you, a...
6 tags
HORROR FILMS
LUV - It’s all about that delicious feeling you get after you’ve seen a policeman eviscerated in front of your eyes, isn’t it? Or the tingle of giddy glee that follows the sight of a schoolgirl’s head being removed from its traditional location (her neck) and moved to a new, unusually imaginative one (a rusty spike in a cockroach-infested basement; or a fridge; or an...
6 tags
ONLINE GROCERY SHOPPING
LUV - It doesn’t matter how you approach it, supermarkets are genuinely fucking awful. Lidl? It just sells jars of different-coloured lard. Waitrose? Everything comes from smug little farms where all the pigs and turnips get nuzzled to sleep every night by a crying farmer. Weekend supermarkets? Full of screaming kids. Weekday supermarkets? Full of shuffling pensioners. Supermarkets at 6pm?...
