March 2011
13 posts
9 tags
BEARDS
LUV - I have a thing about beards. Not a thing thing – I don’t subscribe to any specialist magazines – but my friends know that, if I meet an impressively bearded someone for the first time and my eyes go all wide and sparkly, they must quickly lead me away by the elbow before I have time to utter the words “DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL COMB FOR IT?”*
I am intensely curious about beards. I mean, it’s...
4 tags
FISH PEDICURES
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LUV - The theory of punctuated equilibrium suggests that, rather than being a slow and continual process, evolution works in fits and starts; with long periods of virtual stasis broken up by sporadic clusters of evolutionary breakthroughs. I’m telling you this because PEOPLE USE FISH TO CLEAN THEIR FEET NOW, and if that can’t convince you that we’re in the middle of a...
3 tags
BEACH HOLIDAYS
LUV - WEEEEEEE! I’m on me holibags! I’ve got some weird plastic things on my feet and I’m clomping down a dusty, semi-derelict avenue to the beach. I’m not sure how women wear these things throughout every summer, but hey, when in - how do you pronounce this place again? I’m wearing my - how you say - “shades”, which I bought for two groats (or whatever...
3 tags
GROUPON
LUV - I love Groupon for the same reason anyone loves Groupon - because, simply by clicking an email link within twenty-four hours of receiving the email, I can score nice things for between 50% and 90% of the original price. It’s like a prize for being lazy. Curious about vajazzling, but don’t want to pay full price in case it’s a bit like pebble-dashing your vagina? Groupon has a deal for...
3 tags
CLAUDIA WINKLEMAN
LUV - This LUV is dedicated to you: Winkleman, Claudia. It’s a little bit mental, but could have been much bawdier; For while your fringe never fails to stoke furious debate, When you peek from beneath it you quicken my heart rate. Your makeup lends you an ocular smoulder, Which you maintain even when offering your shoulder To a colleague who’s weeping, for she’s had a bad day - Your sympathy...
4 tags
REBECCA BLACK
LUV - Rebecca Black gained notoriety when the internet saw this video to her song Friday and decided it was awful. But guess what? The internet was wrong. Rebecca Black isn’t awful. She’s BRILLIANT. And Friday is brilliant, too. Here’s why…
1 - Rebecca Black is us.
For too long, pop stars have been too infuriatingly perfect. Not Rebecca Black, though. Just like you, she looks like a...
3 tags
HIPSTAMATIC
LUV - Hey, so you know that episode of 30Rock where they start filming in HD, and Liz Lemon walks in front of an HD camera and her face is all gnarly and covered in bits of biscuit? That’s what I look like in regular photographs. No, it’s true. I mean, in group shots and full-figure photos I might look like a normal (if scaled down) human being, but in headshots? Yeesh. My nose blobs off to the...
3 tags
THE POST OFFICE
LUV - Oh, what’s the use? You’re all going to disagree with me anyway, aren’t you? The Post Office is singularly impossible to love. You know this because you’ve been there. A visit to the Post Office is like a begrudging visit to the Museum Of Misery. Regardless of when you go, it’s always full of old people whiling away their precious remaining scraps of life on...
6 tags
THE WORD 'NOM'
LUV - Objectively, ‘nom’ is a horrible word (well, objectivelyish; it’s French for ‘name’ after all, but go with me on this). ‘Nom’ is the cutesy, picket-fenced reserve of the feyest, namby-pambiest, weakest-chinned internet-based cream puffs imaginable. The sort of person who refers to himself or herself in the third person, and then says the word ‘sadface’. In...
4 tags
SPRING
LUV - You know why they put Christmas in December? It’s because winter is so uncompromisingly bleak and monotonous that everyone would kill themselves if it wasn’t broken up with some sort of festival. You know why everyone goes on holiday in the summer? It’s because getting sweated on by a thousand obese commuters in an airless subterranean tincan every morning is the worst...
4 tags
PANCAKE DAY
LUV - You know that song, It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year? You know how it’s about Christmas? Well, it’s factually incorrect. Christmas isn’t the most wonderful time of the year. It’s, at best, the third most wonderful time of the year. No, Pancake Day is the most wonderful time of the year. And it’s the hap-happiest season of all. And it’s all...
3 tags
CHARITY SHOPS
LUV - A woman with alleged learning disabilities tried to hit me in a charity shop once. She prefaced her attack by shouting to nobody in particular: “I’M GETTING BAD-MOODED NOW. I’M GETTING BAD-MOODED NOW.” This clear warning, in any other retail space, would have been enough to have prompted my swift exit. It’s a mark of my continuing fondness for charity shops...
3 tags
SNOODS
LUV - I have worn scarves. I have known scarves. They are problematic. There are two ways you can wear a scarf: 1. You can place a folded scarf around your neck then feed the ends through the folded loops to secure it, like a cravat. Or, you know, a noose. 2. You can wind it optimistically around your neck, then hoist your handbag, shopper and gym bag onto your shoulder and run for your bus,...
